6
I just had a dèja vu. Chela asked me to go to Suburbia and look for an antistatic spray and I had a huge regression.
I felt as if I was in Notts City Centre's Primark. Suddenly I had the sensation of living that life but with a twist. As if everything that happened between the two of us in fact happened but we already get over it and that we were together again. That I had moved to the UK and that I have a new opportunity.
The sensation, although I describe it largish in time it was really matter of micro seconds. Everything was too quick, the illusion and the sadness when I realized it was exactly that: an illusion... like a lot of things in our relation.
I lived on a reality of fantasy and I knew it and even do I wished hat one day that illusion came true...
Like the idea of prince charming but in another way because actually I have been aware that first this is completely false and secondly this is something I wouldn't like for my life. But my idea is even more dangerous because then, when you know that this fantasies -that most of the people- have doesn't apply to you, you think you already overcome these stereotypes and -truth be told- we didn't realize that we follow a model of expectations.
I saw couples walk by with little children around them, other ones being pregnant... and I have to say it made me sad. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened with us if we had gotten pregnant. Did you really see as the worst thing that everything someone wishes is to have babies and that they try to change this fucking world through educate them? I believe that in that matter we couldn't come to terms with each other for real.
Sometimes when I saw those couples or families, I wish I could have something like that and I really question myself if I truly want that and I wonder if I could be truly happy with that... the fact of being completely dedicated to a family... Could I be able to do that? Could I enjoy that? and a part of me says "Nooooo! You would get bored and you would want to send everything to hell"... but another part asks me if I really could send everything to hell or if it is only a shield that I impose to myself because I don't have that and it hurts... and when I say to myself: "obviously, the thing is that you would get bored" Actually what I am doing is trying to protect myself...
