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I have been reluctant about writing. You will probably remember I still have an issue with that. Don't know if you do. But I know it's something I have to do. Otherwise I'll go crazy one of these days. Well... a bit more and not in the nice funny way I use to be.
Why English? Dunno as well. Probably because a part of me hopes that in this way you may find this bunch of letters and read them without telling you that they even exists. Probably because most of the people I know won't see or understand this at all.
Either way I hope you won't sue me if you find out I have been doing this.
If at all you find out.
Probably no one will see these ever but at least I will be throwing out these thoughts and feelings that are all over me and that are urging me to be pronounced, specially to you but I know it doesn't seem to be -and probably won't be- the best thing to do.
And I will be practicing my writing and the language. Just to prevent the case I wake up one day and the English had run away from my head. It might happen.
With me you never know.
I was on the phone with my dad yesterday afternoon and he asked me about the loan. We had a small discussion about it and there was a moment I felt myself in the position where I had to choose between him and you.
That same position I felt that time when I told him that we wanted to go and live together before we ever consider marriage and that of course he was totally against. I already had my decision but I didn't tell you that time. Decision that I felt was discredited when you proposed to me.
I didn't realize that at that moment and probably couldn't see how deep it affect me until now that I am on therapy.
I miss you a lot. I keep feeling a bit anxious when I realise we are not longer together. I took this photo on a performance where Mónica made the text. She invited me. And -why not- it was about love and sexual awakeness. Of course it made me think of you.
Sometimes I still felt I walk towards you like those girls in the pic.
I am still hoping you may walk towards me like those guys in the pic.
That step that is not finish yet.
That step that is till on the air.
Hesitating.
Planning maybe?
But no matter what... you can say it is flying... even if it is freeze or on hold forever... it's flying.
I don't want to be on hold forever but that's how I feel these days. I know it is not at all your intention.
I know we talk and we came to an agreement and that we are no longer a couple.
But one thing is to understand that with my brain and my neurons and my reason and another completely different is to translate that into my body and my feelings.
Those bastards are such rebels. Don't want to listen to any reason I can give them.
And I understand them. I am the same. At the end they come from me.
Sometimes I would like to rewind our story together and be able to see what I see know and be able to do something with the knowledge I got now.
But again that things won't be possible at all because I couldn't learn what I learnt if we hadn't live what we lived.
I can't help feeling that everything is my fault and I find new ways of feeling guilty every day. Again, my reason knows that is not true. We both had our assets and our weaknesses but right now I am only focusing on the dark side of that moon...
Moon of my life, my sun and stars... remember that? Ja, now I'll watch Game of Thrones and remeber those afternoons we used to spend watching it or Walkind Dead. BTW have you seen the latest episodes? The last one was cool but obviosly I knew Negan's guys were going to find Maggie and kidnapped her. The surprise for me was that I was expecting Negan to be a man a probably it turns out to be a woman. That was super cool!
Well, now everone is awake and don't feel I can conitnue writing so I see you next time.
Hope you have set yourself down in your new place in that new city where I was dreaming of living one day. It would have been awesome if we could have manage to build something great between you and me.
It could have been a great journey. I know you know...
